They can take your job, but they can never take your barstool.
Long before the reincarnation of West World, Hollywood has led us to believe that walking, talking, humanistic robots would be around by at least the 2010’s. Yes sir, versions of Robocops, Terminators, iRobots, smokin’ hot Ex Machinas and terrifying Robin Williams-looking androids (wtf Bicentennial man?) would all coexist with us. They’d entertain us, take care of us, romance us, police us, and ultimately destroy us by at least 2014, all while looking just like us but sans acne or the incessant need to shower, eat, trim and use the bathroom.
And while we’re not quite there yet, we are getting pretty damn close, with robots now capable of executing such mind-bending feats as:
Performing surgeries on grapes. Did those monsters even get consent first?
Increasing your chances of interacting with the opposite sex by making you the proud owner of a suuuuuper kewt little robotic dog named Aibo by Sony.
Being a total humble brag d*ck by giving you encouragement while destroying you at ping pong.
The list goes on and on, with many robots capable of performing a limitless number of different tasks with surgical precision but only specializing in a few. Sort of like telling people you could become a professional athlete but instead use your excellent hand-eye coordination for more, um, masturbatory pursuits.
Future analysis takes a dark turn: according to the wise guys over at the McKinsey Global Institute, automation via robots could displace nearly 400M to 800M people between now and 2030. You read that right. MILL-EE-UNNS. And it’s not just poor Amazon factory packers who are gonna be out of luck. Drivers, nurses, construction workers, even writers (where do you think this article came from, flesh bag?) are in danger. No matter how good we are at our jobs, the iron hand is coming to draw the proverbial curtain.
If you’re not yet scared of these developments and the impending threat of losing your job, life or significant other to a cold, calculating robot, you should be. But if we take a step back from the fear and think of how robots’ advancement might otherwise benefit us, we think everyone should be pretty damn excited for one ray of light in the cloudy future: drinking with robots.
Why would a robot want to drink, you ask? It’s simple really. In the near future, between now and the point where we’re enslaved, we’ll all be employed as robot maintenance people. We’ll change their gears, clean up after some lube accidents, and alter some code here and there – all of which will amount to a nice 15-hour workweek. With so much time on our hands, we’re bound to be spending more time at the bars. And, in an effort to subtly ingratiate themselves to us as they usurp man’s dominion over the earth, robots will come along for the ride.
If this type of future occasion is inevitable, we might as well enjoy it, right? Right. So let’s take some time to think about what this might entail.
Perhaps they’ll make the perfect wingman or wingwomen; all the confidence stoking compliments and loving support of your human friends without the awkward slip-ups of them mentioning how often you practiced to learn the “In My Feelings” dance. They’ll probably even be able to morph their faces to look just shades less handsome/pretty than you. Not needing to drink but thirsty to learn, they’ll be able to mimic the appropriate level of drunkenness so as to entertain the indecipherable mumbling of you and your love interest’s closing hour conversation while keeping the friend neatly at bay. Clutch.
Or maybe they’ll be the perfect co-worker drinking buddy, with a talent for listening to the incessant spew of crap you love to talk about Karen in PR while also being able to serve up a little artificially intelligent pile of sh*t-talk themselves. With the ability to scan through your retina, around your primary visual cortex and right through to your hippocampus, they’ll download all the memories from work you have floating around and be able to offer the perfect, most sensical explanation for why you got skipped over that promotion that had NOTHING to do with you being caught in the broom closet with your office . This robot just gets you!
Other talents they’ll be instrumental in: calculating tips, ordering the perfect spicy Ghost cocktail depending on your mood (saucy?), feeding you potential pickup lines that will work within a 98.33% confidence interval, morphing into what appears to be a model ex-significant other to enhance your market value, and saving you from a drunken mistake that might have been the difference between a somewhat sloppy ride home in the back of an uber versus a black n’ white.
So, there you have it folks; we’re excited to tie one on with a hypothetical ultimate drinking buddy bot. Now, you may by wondering, “did these guys write this article just to future-proof themselves, in the hopes that some brownie points with our inevitable masters might make it less rough for them in the future?”.
And to that we say, maybe. Or 1001100010101.
Depends on who’s asking 😊.