Unless you live in some alternate reality where YouTube simply does not exist, you’ve probably seen First We Feast’s online show Hot Ones. If you know, you know. But if you don’t, here’s the literal Steve-Jobs-genius-level idea: celebrity (sometimes celebrity-ish) eats spicy wings while getting interviewed. The hot wings all feature different hot sauces, ranging from entry-level Tapatio to (and this is the real, actual name of the sauce) “Mega Death Sauce with Liquid Rage”. We get to watch our favorite celebrities and quasi-celebrities squirm and sweat, trying to answer the host’s questions. It makes for some grade-A viewing, no doubt. Some absolutely CRUSH the challenge, while others...well, as the icon Gucci Mane says, they just get lost in the sauce. We’ve looked through every episode to find the very worst of the worst.
Taraji P Henson
Look, we’re a tequila company. We like to drink as much as the next company -- probably more. We’re not mad at a pre-interview, midday spicy marg. In fact, we’re the opposite of mad at it. We also like Taraji. Empire is our jam, and Cookie is lowkey some version of what we all aspire to be. But if you want to know what sloppy looks like, we not-so-proudly present Exhibit A. This is like “20 year old with a terrible fake id at the bar” level wasted. This is ‘my first night out’ wasted. This is ‘drinking your parent’s vodka and refilling it with water’ level wasted. We just can’t support you here, Taraji. We’d say she had one too many, but it looks more like she had three or four too many. Screaming like a banshee for twenty minutes, it’s a wonder Taraji doesn’t fall off her chair halfway through. We know that sounds harsh, but we calls ‘em like we sees em. And really... when you’re the only one laughing at your jokes, it’s probably time to head home.
To her credit, Taraji made it through the challenge. We won’t say she killed it, but she didn’t tap out. Perhaps a spicy marg as rocket fuel isn’t a terrible idea (it might even be a great idea) -- we just think Taraji went a little too HAM this time.
Gangster’s Paradise is a jam. There’s no other word for it. It’s some mid-90s classic material, and we will eternally be in Coolio’s debt for giving us that. We won’t thank him, however, for having the incredibly bad judgement to go one Hot Ones looking like Bambi in a fitted. I mean, really. This man literally cut holes in his hat to put his braids through -- assuming we are calling these things braids?? We aren’t only wondering why he made this decision, but also how? Does he put the braids through the holes one at a time? Does he thread them through the hat at the same time? Or perhaps he needs someone’s help to just get his hat on. And on that note -- who’s the terrible friend that didn’t tell Coolio to chill out with the hat/braid combo? It’s not cool, man. That’s not being a good bro -- friends don’t let their friends...uh...put their weird gross braids through holes in the top of their hat.
He did down all of the wings successfully -- props to him for that one. But man, did he look rough doing it. On top of the style faux pas, Coolio also reportedly passed out for an hour in the green room afterwards. Yikes.
This guy literally, literally, literally crapped his pants. Yep, you read that right. Could we really not put him on our list?
We loved Bobby Lee on Mad TV, and...well, whatever else he’s been in, we’re sure it’s great. But man. Things absolutely positively could not have gone worse for the guy. We understand eating spicy food can be rough. It’s not for everyone. But if spicy food isn’t for you and if it’s going to make you (again) literally crap your pants...maybe just skip the hot wing challenge, right? Crashing out gracefully is one thing, but then there’s this. We can’t even call this sloppy. This is beyond sloppy. This is the whole next level.
We have to wonder, though -- perhaps there’s a cycle here. You know how a bad movie can be so, so bad that it comes around to being good again? There’s an argument to be made for Bobby Lee here. Maybe he’s gone so sloppy, so DGAF, and so reckless, that he’s come around to Legend Status?
Eh, probably not.
This isn’t just the most disgraceful Hot Ones appearance. This could easily be up there with most disgraceful moments in human history. This is ‘Lance Armstrong admitting to steroids’ disgraceful.
DJ Khaled -- the self-proclaimed walking embodiment of never taking a single L. Hs starts the interview going on and on about how he defeated the haters, about how he proclaimed victory against those who ‘didn’t want him to be great’. Khaled brags about conquering roadblocks and bums. Trials and tribulations. They never said it was easy to win. These sort of quasi-inspirational ramblings sound like something Tony Robbins would reject for being too obnoxious. But not Khaled, no -- he’s got them in spades.
And then… Enter El Yucateco. EL YUCATECO. Yes, El Yucateco as in ‘your grandmother’s favorite hot sauce’. Khaled goes down flames (har har). He bails out almost immediately, arguing that ‘if I stop, that doesn’t mean I gave up’. YES IT DOES KHALED! That’s exactly what that means! Wiping his brow and on the verge of tears, Khaled (the man who brought us “All I Do Is Win”) takes the L on just the third hot sauce. For our other entrants on this list, there was credit to be given, one way or another. But for DJ Khaled, this is the darkest timeline.
Hot Ones Hero: YG
We’ve gone through the worst of the worst, but why point out the bad without awarding the best?
Now this. THIS is how you do the Hot Ones challenge. No, this is how you do life. THIS is how you keep cool (or bool, in YG’s case) when the pressure is on. This guy isn’t just our hot ones hero, he’s our freaking LIFE hero. Clad in the drippiest hat-jersey combo you could ever imagine, YG went from dropping the West Coast classic Still Brazy, to CRUSHING the Hot Ones challenge. From the entry-level sauce, all the way to the final boss Mega Death sauce, YG didn’t do so much as break a sweat. You’d have thought the guy was eating cupcakes. In fact, YG’s take on Mega Death sauce? It’s not even hot like that.
YG didn’t win the game. He didn’t even beat the game. YG broke the game, smashed the console, and put every other player to shame. Be like YG. Don’t be like Khaled.